Self.

Isn't it funny how you can spend an entire day working as hard as possible and still have a day's worth of energy left in you? And yet, inversely, you can spend a day doing very little except try to recharge, and it tires your body out to the point that you simply wish to sleep.

I harbor a lot of unusual rage in my body. I don't necessarily have it for a reason; it's just there. I'd like to think it's because I spend a lot of time being a nicer person than I should be and that the rage only comes out in those moments of weakness where I couldn't control the urge to call someone out on their bullshit. Unfortunately I think it stems more from the fact that I've let so many opportunities pass out of sheer discouragement that finally noticing this has caused me to close myself off for fear of letting loose and losing people.

A good example is the eggshells I sometimes walk on around my fiancé. We are usually very comfortable with each other and over the years we have gotten good at communication, but when I am truly very upset with him, I can hardly speak. I withhold myself because I (wrongfully) believe that if I let loose too quickly and don't consider my words, I could convince him I'm no longer worth his time or his love. Rather than sit and spew hurtful things, I clam up. I don't let him try to talk to me. I tell him, "I need some time alone to let the words surface out of the anger."

This generally ends up helping more than it hurts, but when it happens I get very annoyed with my insecurities and my difficulty with proper speech. I have not been diagnosed with anything more serious than anxiety and an attention disorder, and yet it seems perhaps there is something blocking me from reaching my best self. It tires me out, when it seems I've hardly done anything at all.

What does one do when the words refuse to come as easily as they once did?